Friendship Love
15Sep2009 Filed under: Family and Friends, Sex and Relationships Author: AkirahWyattRemember guys, you have until September 30th to enter “Looking Sexy in September.” Leave a comment or fill out the Love Project survey to earn entries!
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“Jonna doesn’t know friendship love. I don’t think she’s ever had that. She only has one definition towards love. And that’s men.” -Ayiiia
As obsessed as I am with the Real World, I fully acknowledge the lack of intellectual value it adds to my life. For one hour every Wednesday evening, I sit in front of my television anticipating drunken fights about who’s sleeping with who. I enjoy observing the group dynamics among the roommates, but I never actually expect to be challenged by anything I see on the show. It’s all just mindless fluff that helps me transition into bedtime.
One episode this season was different, however. Ayiiia, the bi-curious roommate with a fiery tongue, said the above comment and it struck a chord with me. I believe a lot of quarter-life ladies, myself included, can relate to that quote. This makes me wonder: how many of you have had a friend who seemed more concerned about meeting guys or hanging out with her boyfriend than being a friend to you?
Jonna claims to be one of those girls who naturally gravitates to men more than women. That’s fine and dandy, but it seems that even on “girls’ night,” she has no problem ditching the group if a guy seems into her. Jonna enjoys flirting and being the center of attention and it really affects her ability to form healthy relationships with others.
I struggle with girls like Jonna. As someone who is “passionate about encouraging women who are transitioning into adulthood,” it’s hard for me to understand why some women aren’t open to forming friendships with other women. I’m not knocking women who have a lot of guy friends. I just don’t get the mentality that “girls are dramatic…men aren’t…I don’t like drama…I’m gonna hang out with guys instead.”
Additionally, I absolutely hate it when a friend of mine decides to ditch me because she’s too busy trying to woo some guy. I understand the excitement of a new relationship, but if your pursuit of men is getting in the way of our relationship growing, we’re gonna have a problem.
This is not to say I’ve never been guilty of this. In the past I’ve sought the attention of guys over my girlfriends and at times I struggle balancing my time between friends and Boyfriend. At the end of the day however, I know nothing can replace the valuable relationships I’ve developed with my girlfriends. After working as a college resident assistant for freshman girls and running a blog for young women (though I openly welcome male readers), it’s quite apparent I enjoy women. But this post isn’t about the importance of choosing female friendships over male friendships. In my opinion, being secure in yourself and focusing on healthy friendships rather than finding security in romantic relationships is what’s really important.
So what do you guys think? What experiences have you had with love-hungry friends? What do you do or say to get through to them?
Related Posts, for Your Reading Enjoyment:
- Tags: boy-crazy, flirting, friendships, girlfriends, Jonna, Real World
Kelli
September 15th, 2009 at 12:05 PM
This is really an interesting post – who’d have thought we’d have actually gotten a memorable quote from THE REAL WORLD? haha, i remember hearing this though & thinking about it, as well. great job analyzing – you raised a lot of good points, miss!
xoxo
Thanks. Yes, I was surprised by the Real World as well. But if it makes me think and challenges me to be a better person, I’ll take it.
kahlia
September 15th, 2009 at 1:01 PM
If I had written the last sentence of this post (“In my opinion, being secure in yourself and focusing on healthy friendships rather than finding security in romantic relationships is what’s really important.”), I would have been very tempted put “security” in quotes. I agree, and think that too often the people who think they can find security in romantic relationships are those who are least likely to actually do so. For example, a friend of mine is the type to post pictures of all the beer cans left over after a party and to talk about sex “like a guy”, but I know that she’s just putting on the all-my-friends-are-guys-because-I’m-so-much-like-them front, and I just don’t see the point. Plus, I think it’s a meaningless promulgation and perpetuation of gender stereotypes and I just wish we didn’t have to do that any more and we could move on already. (But there I go expecting everyone to behave/believe as I do!)
I’m not sure there’s much we can do to get through to them and make them realise what they’re doing (and that it’s not productive)–at least not until they’re really ready to really listen to others’ opinions. For the friend I mentioned above, I’ve just had to accept that she’s been like* that since we were 14 (14 years ago!) and despite my gentle suggestions that this behaviour is precisely the problem (not the solution), she’s not yet ready to try something else. So for now, there’s not much I can do about it, but know that she doesn’t ditch me on purpose and that eventually she’ll come around (and will need a non-judgemental female friend when that happens).
*I’m not gonna lie, I totally was too! That’s what helped us bond at first. But I changed a lot when I went away to university (and even more so when I came to do my Master’s in Europe), and finally have found a place where I feel comfortable with who I am–and that includes great friendships (with men and women) that don’t get blown off for romantic interests just because there happens to be one nearby.
Anyway, I totally agree with the sentiment expressed in this post, and think that the journey to become the most “complete” version of yourself you can be is a far more worthy pursuit than the pursuit of your latest romantic interest!
imerika
September 15th, 2009 at 4:30 PM
I never understood women who didn’t get along with other women. I always assumed something was wrong with them. Heck, I still think there is something wrong with them.
Maybe they’re just not hanging out with the right kind of women?
I think that’s a good theory.
carolyn
September 16th, 2009 at 11:42 AM
Ditto. I never got along with girls who were “guys’ girls” all that well.
maybe that’s because of my experience with men? In my experience they *usually* either want to date me or don’t have much interest in me. I’ve also talked to enough men to know they (sometimes knowingly against their best interests) fall for unavailable girls. Put those two facts together and I come to the conclusion that girls with all guy friends usually just like the attention.
And yeah, I’ve just found such value in my girl friendships that I can’t imagine life without them!
Amen sister.
Rachel
September 16th, 2009 at 7:00 PM
A funny story came to mind when I read this.
When I was in junior high, I was super shy around boys. My best friend was the opposite; flirty, vivacious, they all loved her.
We rode the bus together, and there were two guys we were friends with who also rode the bus with us. We’ll say their names were Jason and Derrik. Well, I always got off the bus before her, and when she got home she’d call me and regail me with all the amazing and funny things that transpired between her, Jason, and Derrik. This happened every day, and every day I got a little more fed up.
One day I couldn’t take it any more. As she was in mid sentence that sounded something like, “And then, ohmygoshRachel, Jason said–” until I cut her off by yelling at the top of my lungs, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT JASON AND DERRIK” and promptly hung up on her!
Talk about pent up emotion, huh?
Well, lets just say that took care of the problem (for about a week, that is).
Hahah! Sometimes you just gotta let it all out.
MinD
September 17th, 2009 at 5:19 PM
A friend of mine is that type of girl. Er, should I say ex-friend. It happened in the past – she’d get a boyfriend and practically ditch me and her other friends from that point forward. When the relationship crumbled, we were still there for her, helping to pick up the pieces, and she’d vow to never ditch us for a guy again.
But she always does. And now that I’m living far away, I *never* hear from her now that she has a boyfriend. Perhaps with the friends close by, that habit has changed, but it hasn’t with me. We’d talk at least regularly once I moved. But as soon as the boy cropped up, that literally died on the spot. I haven’t heard from her since – including on my birthday.
=(
That’s absolutely awful. She is really going to regret her actions someday. Does she not get it? I’m guessing you’ve never talked to her about it, and I understand. It’d be really hard for me to bring something like that up to a friend’s attention.