Advice #3: Impatient
30Jul2009 Filed under: Past Advice Author: AkirahWyattHey guys! Check out the “Read Advice” page for a new edition of advice. As always, be sure to let me know what you think or if there’s anything you’d add!
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Dear QLL,
So…in order to commit to someone (like, marrying him or to move towards that) you have to go through hard times with him, right? You have to fight. You have to see each other at your worst. You have to work through some really tough issues.
But…in order to really work through those issues, you have to have a commitment to that person. Otherwise it’s just too easy to give up when the going gets tough and never see what working through it could have lead to.
So…my question is…do you think there’s really a point when you know that someone is “the one?” And if you don’t know that yet, how do you put the time and effort into a relationship that it really needs to make it work? Are we all doomed to 2, 3, or 4 year relationships that end up putting us back out in Single-ville, eventually to join eHarmony as we slowly, but steadily, approach our 30′s??
Love,
Impatient
Dear Impatient,
I agree that in order to know the extent of your love for someone, it’s best to endure through some sort of challenge. Love that hasn’t endured challenge is often immature and young. I encourage you to allow your love grow some chest hair and participate in [fair] arguments with your man.
I believe that the more your love successfully endures through difficult challenges, the more confident you’ll likely feel about your relationship. In my relationship, my boyfriend and I have gone through numerous trials. After each one I feel more convinced of our ability to encourage one another in the midst of difficulty. I also feel more secure in his commitment to me.
Given this, I believe that by enduring through hardship together, it is possible to know whether your significant other is someone you can work hard at a relationship with. I don’t believe in the concept of “the one.” I simply believe in strong, committed relationships in which both people are putting their best foot forward.
No one wants to waste her time in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. With this in mind, my best advice is to pay attention to the red flags that indicate that he isn’t a good fit. Many women would save themselves a whole lot of heartbreak if they accepted the red flags and continued their search for a better fit.
I’ll admit that it sucks that there is no guarantee that you and your boyfriend will live “happily ever after.” Even so, be encouraged that the things you’re learning now will offer valuable lessons to you as you attempt the next step-whether that step is marriage or a new relationship with a different person. We may or may not be doomed to experience a few failed relationships, but we can’t let the fear of failure keep us from playing the game.
Good luck,
Quarter-life Lady
Related Posts, for Your Reading Enjoyment:
- Tags: impatience, love, marriage, taking our time
Nana
July 30th, 2009 at 5:47 PM
To add to this; If you don’t trust, love yourself, than you can’t trust, love your partner. The way you feel about yourself is crucial. If you think you’re not worthy, untalented etc… then you will feel shaky in your relationship, hence the saying : your partner is a reflection of who you are, at this stage in your life. I know it’s hard because we (as women) have been programmed to think about babies and marriages (as well, we have biological clock that starts ticking once you hit your 30′s). we are too stuck on ‘tomorrow’ and getting there that we don’t concentrate on the present, hence ignore major flags about our lovers. We lie to ourselves, we pretend, we close our eyes because we want to stay in relationships, get a house, get engaged, have babies and a golden retrever. I always admire couples that appeciate themselves TODAY, make plans for the future but don’t live for tomorrow. It’s nice.
That is great insight. It is important to be confident in yourself…in the now. I’ve been working on that a lot these past few months. The great thing is that when you let worries go, you open yourself to bigger and better plans. I think the same is true for relationships.
MinD
August 4th, 2009 at 4:24 PM
That was a good question, and answer, for that matter. I’m glad someone else asked it because I think a lot of us, once we start watching friends get married especially as we hit our mid 20s, begin wondering the same thing.
floreta
August 12th, 2009 at 9:08 AM
thats a great topic/question that i think about a lot and good advice too. i wonder what the ‘red flags’ are tho.. you are vague or maybe it depends from person to person. not sure that i believe in the concept of the one either.
Yes, I think the red flags vary from person to person. For example, smoking might be a red flag to one person, where as it might be fine for another.